So much material!

I believe that you are an idiot. Yes, you may be educated but you are still an idiot. It is not my fault that you have been treated horribly in your life, so have I. I choose the higher path because I know the reality of karma baby. I got your number sweetums, everyone does. You are so transparent that I am amazed that we can even see you at all. Why don't you take that anger and actually do something productive with it like, I don't know, maybe save something! But that would require too much work on your part right? You just want everything handed to you or it's not worth your while. That's so funny to me. I have never had a damn thing handed to me in my entire life, and I'm glad. I appreciate where I am, can you say the same? I have fought tooth and nail for everything that I have. I am proud of my scars, yet I don't inflict them on others. Part of being an adult is knowing when to fight and when to walk away. Remember that.

Really? Validated by a number? Is that all it takes to make you feel worthy? Quite possibly. In my quest for acceptance I forgot to get it from the most important person in my life, me! Note to self, learn to be happy. Learn to do what you say you will. Learn to forgive. Learn to let go finally.

Murky

When I try to talk to you my head grows murky. I don't want it to, but it does. This is why I stay away lately. I try to remember the good times, but the black seeps in. It makes my mind itch way too much anymore. To be better than you I have to get better. We'll see. If we talk don't hold this against me. Years can't be erased in a minute's time.

Whirling

Twisting top,
keep me in the loop.
Can't remember when this started.
Not sure when this will end.
The lights flash at me,
but I keep going.
Not sure why I repeat this
again and again.
My design was gorgeous,
you really shoulda seen it!
The plans were perfect
yet somehow it all went away.
The dream reminds me,
if I could only get there once more.
The cracked glass doll cries because
she is too pained to remember.

Ownership is new to me

I had to let you verbally punch me
to see the damage I had caused.
Indirectly, mistakenly
I had inflicted such harm!
I didn't know.
I can't help it.
I know better,
but so do you.
We brought the battle home
when this used to a safezone.
I've lived this before,
but it wasn't this at all.
You're not him,
for this I am glad.
You couldn't be him.
But am I the same?
Am I worse?
I no longer blame
all these others.
I created what I have become.
I became one of those girls,
the ones that I don't respect.
I became her.
It won't happen.
It can't.
I have help now.
I'm scratchin down my walls
in hope of seeing the light.
My hell isn't yours.
It shouldn't have to be.
It won't be.

a million miles

I walked in here alone, but comfortable. I watched as the crowd grew and the juggler emerged to tried and entertain them. When the act got boring, he grew louder with his singing until we couldn't even hear ourselves think anymore. I stepped into a dark corner because the air was so thick. I felt as if I might suffocate. This has been happening way too much lately. When I regrouped I went back into the madness. It was like a movie. I sat back and watched the pretenders, the romantics, and the pleasers. Often I wonder what my role in all this is. I believe it changes way too much from day to day. The poet, the caretaker, the disbeliever, the hipster, the childlike, the quiet one, the center of attention....... I could be any one of them. Roll the dice. But I had never really thought about what role I choose to play. I can do that? I can choose? What a wonderful idea! The next million miles traveled will be in search of the complete me, and I am very comfortable with that.

Midnight

Waiting to run away, the day just seems to keep getting longer and longer. I count hours as if they were pennies, never ending up with what I hope for. I have waited so long for you to come here. Planning. Wishing. Preparing myself. It never is what I expect, but you never were. Thank goodness this time it was so much more. You are more than I could've imagined, and I am so very thankful.

Groundbreaking

I never let anyone in anymore, but I took a chance. I let you see my world for all that it was, in all it's complexity. I let you see the damage from the storm and the reconstruction efforts. And for what? To be let down yet again by your landslides and inconsistancy. So what now? Let me break it down for you. You are cut off darling. Cut off from any of my reconstruction efforts. Cut off from mapping out any future blueprints. You won't be invited to the ribbon cutting ceremony, nor will there be a wreath on the wall in your honor. For you there is a spot in the back of the crowd where maybe, just maybe if you sit on your friend's shoulders you may be able to catch a glimpse of me as I give my official opening speech. That's if you can even hear it.

My fav things

Thinkin lines on Henry
Girls with no drama
Rockband 2's gameplay
Lunches with Momma
My sexy chocolate man
Gritty fast punk rock
Anything sparkly and pink
Sprite kept in stock
Writing for me
When one person likes it
Reading some manga
My friends who won't quit
Kids that are funny
Cats that don't scratch
Time in bed sleeping
A good UFC match

Once upon a time I expected you to be what you say you were. When you weren't, I made excuses and tried to still hold you way up. If ignorance is bliss, you had me in heaven. That was until the snap. The bolt of lightening entered though the window and reminded me of why I had ran from all of those storms. I remembered nearly drowning only to claw my way back up the bank in the nick of time. I should've been angry. I should've felt betrayed and withdrawn.....but I didn't. I was so relieved to have my liferaft this time around. Once upon a time I saved myself no thanks to you.

Closing curtain

Ten steps backward
to realize which way to go
Running faster away
from a scene all too familiar
You really do believe
the lines that you sling
Character profile
such an ugly painting
Hiding leaves you open
to all of these multiple arrows
I refuse to block you
from what you invite

escorting me outside

I walked towards you to remember what I even liked about you in the first place. Can't remember....... For so many years I tried to be what you wanted without succeeding. Now that lacks importance. My quest for wholeness has nothing to do with you, I realize that now. I see the cell that your ideals try to contain me in. It's kinda funny really. Judge me all you like, you are the one that they are all mocking behind your back.

Returning to hesitant

For years I imagined escaping my disgusting captor. I plotted my route, my reaction, my future. One day upon waking, I noticed that things were very different. My captor opened my cell without concern of shutting the door behind him. Instead of the usual bologna, I was brought eggs and bacon. Shocked, I scarfed it all down without even chewing first. I very much resembled a stray dog. He sat next to me on the bench, the cell door still open. I grew uncomfortable as he stroked my hair and told me that he had a lot of respect for me and my survival instincts. Was he gonna finish me? Then the strangest thing happened. He took me by the hand and led me outside.

"You can go," he said with a tear in his eye. I couldn't even speak.

"I believe that you are now ready for great things," he said as he nudged me forward.

"Let's go back inside," I pleaded. My head was spinning as panic and confusion engulfed me.

"This is no longer your home. I have no place for you anymore," he whispered as he walked away.

Old newspapers

Seamlessly I wormed my way into your life.
Not sure how or when this happened,
but I am glad that it did.
Seamlessly I made you believe in me.
Not that there was much to go on,
but I am glad that you do.
Seamlessly you made me comfortable,
killed the old demons, and loosened my shackles.
For this I am thankful.
Seamlessly you will one day go.
I'm not sure what I will do,
but I appreciate our time spent.

drunken acrobat

She looked at me, wanting me to acknowledge her effort was worthwhile. I didn't. Why must I be so damn stubborn? A halfhearted smile broke the tension but Em still looked puzzled. Why do I put myself here so much? No more vulnerability....no time or patience for that. I had to look once more, hoping that she wasn't paying me any mind. The light lined her profile, making her look very happy and young.....much like a painting that I had fancied on a fieldtrip as a kid. My head grew heavy as I realized that I had drank my weight in rum. Just breathe. Through a blurry handstand I regained some creditability, but for how long?

theory

I see you screw people over daily. I watch as you tell everyone everything that they want to hear in order to get a babystep closer to that title that you hold so high. But at what cost? I remember when I was a child and I believed that people were good. It seemed like everyone in the world was sincere and put on this earth to help me. Slowly the black reality seeped throughout me, tainting everything I had ever known. I grew cold and closed. I saw the hamster wheel that this world has become and I decided to fight back. So take your title and shove it. My reality is way more important than painting a cartoon only for children to scribble all over. I may be falling, but I am biting and scratching the whole way down!