setting up camp

I'm just gonna sit Gave up the chase Choked on uncertainty Stuck with that taste You know where I am Owning my place Digging in my heels Till we sleep face to face

every story needs a villain

Vebalize he said I don't read minds Tired of cleaning up messes You leave behind You're lucky you're pretty But your mind is a mess The more that I love you The more that you stress

departure

They are just voices On my bus They only judge Preying on trust I'm getting off here This is my stop My cares disappear As the stairs quickly drop

Micro

The ink dried Parted ways Faked our smiles Now we're strays

I've never met her

Nightmares made me lonely
So I made several calls
You adored me in the spring
Sent me wandering in the fall
The cigarettes burnt out
Wine bottles fill with dust
Torn like tissues
Scatter all our bond and trust
If I act like I don't know you
It's purely just for me
If I refuse the eye contact
Maybe you won't see

spiderwebs

I tangle them
They are ok with it
Hand over their thoughts
Dump out dreams on the table
Allow me to coax out demons
Yes, I tangle them
But they're much happier caught
When free they fret
Panic if you will
No one else rocks their demons
I tangle them
So their soul can get some rest finally
So they can really show themselves
To be completely appreciated
To be insanely loved
I tangle them to free myself

It's all just part of being here

Crickets still judge
I'm used to it
Sing your song
It's just background noise

Crow

My black soul
Copy and paste
Tragic rerun
More life to waste
Open window
Can't stay here
You'll surely die
With me my dear

treatments

Underneath
Looking to the side
Everything I wanted
Huge green eyes couldn't hide
Make me whole again
Remove doubt and waste
Take me to the other side
At least a little taste

neighbors

Angry voices
I heard them fight
This morning
All last night
Seems like it
Is all silly drama
Still talking to
His baby's momma
They fight and drink
Puke this morning
They make up
Without any warning
Guess they love
Hard as they do
Stick together
Love fights through

let's never be them

Watch them
That elderly couple to our right
Barlights mask the sadness
Millie tries to crack a a joke
Half of her effort is returned
Hank gazes to the right
He's so bitter now
The youth they stole haunts him
The cute girl sitting at the bar looks away
He's fixated on the tattoo on her ankle
Bartender tries to put her at ease with a smile
Now Hank's just a creeper
It didn't have to be like this
He married Millie young to save her
Now she's slowly killing him
They go through the motions
Happy faces for the audience
But his eyes are so sad
Inside there's a countdown to the end

See..like rhm

Could tell a colorful story
About timing and deep sadness
So many gnawing thoughts
Easily I could get lost
You'd never send a search party
Real talk
Understandable
Need to redirect
Solo..I wander into the wild

Real

Dug my heels in
This corset you tied
Wrote and drew
Silently died
Heard you whisper
It's alright
I know I am
Going to be with you tonight
Your favorite drink
As you kiss my hand
We sing along
To our favorite band
You tuck me in
Your lips are hot
It's like it always is
Scared I'm not

cherry blossoms n stuff

We sat in broken tea cups
When we visited Japan
You pick a flower for me
Gently put it in my hair
I still blush at your smile
Your kisses make me shy
Even though we are old now
This was my plan of how I'd die

Me too

I know her
We talk quite a bit
We know the mess
Both know the solution
Let's just sit back and watch
Throw a match on this bonfire
The flames are pretty
Please drink and celebrate
Sing loud of tomorrow's promises

G taught me..c'mon..

Chase me
No one is here
We can whisper to the dead
Slowly disappear
I hide
I know you'll come
Hold my breath
Our twisted fun

I know I'm not the favorite

Walk these wet streets with me
As I grow so shy
Reassure me please
This will fix itself before I die
Giggle in dark alleys
Let's hope for the best
I know I am difficult
But this love just never rests

Don't think twice

Let's go
Car's outside
Tomorrow's here
Nobody cares
Can't stay
No time
Hold hands
Shut up
Just drive
I know
You're loved
It's time
Two bags
Two hearts
Four wheels
Hold breath
Last hope
Love rules

I'm not even sure where to sit now

Gonna end up
Just like Mariah did
She warned of the cliff
Described the rocks below
Yet her jump felt fake
Cables attached
She always comes back
This time it took longer
Burning witch of mistrust
She smirks unapologetically
I face my twin...horrified
It's been too long
My broken mirror
My knotted waste of yarn
I expected different
Yet I'm never disappointed
Welcome home

Forever Sweet

The candy is crazy stale
Should've thrown it back at you
But I ate it
Like it was the best I ever had
Enjoyed every chew
Delighted with every lick
Sadly, I ate too fast
May I please have more
Bellyaches aren't forever
But I am

Ghost

Clawed my way out of the ground
To find you waiting
A golf clap and an embrace
We were one again
But when weren't we
We drive around aimlessly
Counting seconds together
Hoping morning never comes again

Sometimes you do

Her mind's gone
Another stole it
Decided it was theirs
Looking around for cameras
Enjoyed it on toast with strawberries
Yet you just watched innocently

Holepunched Heart

Stumbling through graveyards
I never found you
I called to you
Sang your name in so many tones
Waited to hear your laughter
A possible whisper in echoes
No answer
My hollow heart cried out
My empty mind dissolved
You were there
I know you were

attitude adjustment

Knowing how you feel
I lay down my sword
My time has been wasted
On slaying pretend dragons
Remove my black veil
All of me is yours

follow u forever

I kiss you like it's the first time
Breathe life back into me
Tie my ribbons up super tight
Take anything you need

Rainy

Without purpose
She ran into the rain
No longer knowing
If she can fix her brain
Nobody knows
Quite how to fix it
She sits in the road
Contemplating her life's fit
Cars pass by
Throwing up puddles
Everything she tries to love
She destroys and muddles
Dripping and laughing
Our psychotic saint
She curls up and hides
Smearing streaky warpaint

poof

I vanish
For years
I can't
I won't
I'm not

Tiger's eye

Madly...I believe
Everyone gets their chance
Oddly...it passes in a blink
We go on like nothing ever happened

Accepting Ava

I tried to sort them
Contain them
Organize them
It didn't matter
Energy does what it wants
This energy follows no rules
Run free
Child
Warrior
Punker
Street savy
Thinker
Grownup
Tiger
Wild one
Queen
Lady
Realist
Dreamer
Witch
I open the box
Run free my loves
Show them who you are
Show them whatcha got
Change everything
Change everyone
Hesitate for nothing

True

Whispers so soft

Breathe it to me

Paint me your picture 

So I can finally be

So warm it keeps me

So I carry on

I know what's real

I know what's strong

Balcony discussions

Power down
We threw this fight
Slightly concern I'm not
What I need tonight
Electric eyes
I can't retell
The most gorgeous flames
We saw in hell

Serenaded

Singing in this empty room
It bounces off the wall
Singing songs of victory
Not of many falls
Echo myself back
Remind me what I am
This song always refills my tank
Like it did back in exam
But I sing no more of yesteryears
There really is no way
I'd rather sing of what comes next
As I win another day

Smirk and turn

You pushed me out
Then ask why I tripped
You submerge me
Then ask why I cough
I'm set on fire
And blamed for being too hot
Confine the chaos
As my brain is spread paper thin

MPA

She runs back and forth
Both doors are locked
Suffocating
Sit down
Count to ten
She thinks of times
Of candy and giftwrap
Breathe
Remember needing nothing
Get up
Make a brand new door
Kick until there's daylight
Breathe deep
Cold air
Die a little more inside
Repeat

Lexi's telescope just broke

She is a lizard
I see it now
All of those nights
I never knew how
They came from the stars
Kindly dropped her here
Sparkle and fade
They disappear
I wonder so often
Do they ever come back
Why did they visit
Will they return to attack
These worries are few
As the days go by
I often do question
I'm not gonna lie

rebirth

I wanna come back
As the perfect flame
Hot and useful
Without a name
I wanna come back
As a piece of glass
Softened by the sea
With a mysterious past
I wanna come back
As the pencil you hold
When you write out your thoughts
And your truths are all told
I wanna come back
As the cold, hard rain
Soaking the children
Laughing like the insane

Tiny mermaid giggles

Lil one surfaced
Sparkling and glittery
Wasn't sure for awhile
If she'd learn to even swim
She smiles carelessly
Like she never struggled a day
Lil mermaid laughs with everyone
As if she write all the jokes
Tiny comedian
Who lives for other's smiles
Always teaching us
How to overcome and thrive

Lil one's lullaby

I faced my journey
I refuse to stop
I will not explain
Or be what I'm not
My path leads away
New battles to fight
When context's explained
None of it's right
I taught her stand tall
Fight for what's fair
When they hurt your heart
Get up and repair
Walk proud like I taught you
Discover new ground
The world needs your spirit
It's the best I have ever found

Sam

They put him in a drawer
Right next to her
Our last words exchanged
Are all just a blur
It's hard to feel
You are here then you're gone
Time doesn't stop
Our show must go on
I like to remember
When we drew with pens
Where your life ended
Her new one begins

Candy, Caged Bird

I feel bad
Candycat
You tried your best
It's come to that
Sing your song
Again and again
You sang for
Our very last friends
Sad little bird
You are yet to see
All the things
That you can be

March

Pretty poison
Watch me glow
Judgemental eyes
Just don't know

Little Honey

Just a girl named Honey
Look but please don't touch
Just a girl named Honey
Full of sugar, poison, and such
Gorgeous little mastermind
Your favorite disease
Gimme I will scrape your mind
Eat it with crackers and cheese

Trick of the light

I danced in the dark
With a monster
He held me tight
We swayed
Then someone noticed
Finally opened the curtains
The light's crazy beautiful
My eyes adjust
My monster is nothing
But a shadow on the wall
Nothing........
As he will always remain

S.U.

Sometimes you need to shut up
Whether you like it or not
To hear the words in between
To improve
To conquer
To throw it right back

Epic fail

Hair falls
Brain hurts
Looks fade
Jokes suck
Game's weak
Return home
Tail tucked
Life deserved
Crowds cheer
Liars laugh
Life continues
Smiles happen
Pictures taken
Future's built
Savy divas

Victory

Natalie laughs so hard she cries
It's all so perfect
Time well spent
For such an awesome ending
Hard work pays off
This smile will never leave her
The strongest always walk in the shadows
Well played
High fives all around

Real talk

Weird how good it feels
Going in the right direction
Not hiding in the shadows
Protecting
Lying
Defending
Making excuses for grown men
Weird how free I feel
Going towards a real life
Not playing house
Hoping
Accepting
Forgiving
Making myself miserable for you

New day

Like a first breath
Today's new and calling
Happiness fills me
In a way unexplainable
At last
Peace

This I know for sure

I know what I see
Often too much to believe
Don't ever trust how I feel anymore
Need a blueprint
Need a hand
I always.....need....
I know it all seems insane
When looking in from outside of the bubble
Don't feel like explaining anymore
Need sanity
Need something that's only mine
I don't want to....always..need...
I know it's only a matter of time
Life always cycles through
Don't want to pretend it doesn't
Need credibility
Need something that's concrete
I'm forever needing...

Matters I consider

I listened to Black Parade
With new ears
But does that even matter now
Tried to play
Always swatted away
Guess it doesn't matter
Always chasing my tail these days
Tryin to make something
Maybe make something that matters
Seems it doesn't matter
But I guess depends who you ask

Tumor

He's cancer
I've cut him out
Continually he regrows
Killing me
This is it
No more games
Take the entire organ

Porcelain doll

I'm determined to find that piece
For the middle of my forehead
To actually be pretty again
Soft again
Lovable again
Worthy again
To present well with company
To be the most prized toy
I will find it if it kills me
Because it matters now
I matter now

Dark cloud

He's evil I tell you
Can turn honey to dirt
Every good thought
He crumbles and throws in the well
Every hope you had
He dismantled
That was your fault
Or that's what he'll mumble
Millions of wasted seconds
Sucked from your life joyfully
By a dead man walking

Awake

I crawled here
Blistered hands
Scuffed knees
Clothes torn
But I made it
How strange it feels
To finally stand up

Path never mine

Tired of being the answer
To everyone else's question
The left to their right
The forward motion to follow
My path never mine
Yet I'm always blamed
When we end up lost

Next/last one

My words bounced off yours
As if rehearsed
Glances were exchanged
Smiles dancing in time
I was right all along
You were always
Meant for only me

Army jacket

Gimme a hug
Before we leave each other
To fight our seperate wars
I know home is calling
You should defend your family
As I will always do for mine
Be safe in battle my friend
Know I am just a breath away

Blind trainer

They were always zebras
Impossible to train
Yet the fault was ours
For wishing they were solid ponies

Mermaid's song

I saw your boat coming
Positioned myself strategically
Knew that I sparkle from this angle
I sang to you
Invited you closer
Ran my hands down your neck
My thumbs caressed your earlobes
I knew what I was doing
My hazel eyes locked your gaze
I trapped you
It wasn't fair
It wasn't right
It's what I do
Such a beautiful demon I am
I've sank many boats
Thrown many life preservers away
Left captains to choke on salt
Pretty destroyer of minds
I was looking for the one
Who could swim fast enough
To keep up with my escape attempts
I was looking for the one
Who makes me feel safe enough
To never swim away again

Moving day

Our contract is void
No longer may you lease
Inside this mind of mine
Gather yourself
There's a space for rent outside
Right next door
But you know that
You're friends with the owner

Gatekeeper's rhyme

I fell into a love
That had me contained
After leaving a love
Physically drained
I motioned to you
To unlock the gate
You cut the bolt and turned
But I told you to wait

Desert Mirage

Black and white horse
You allow me to ride
I tell you to go
But you remain by my side
Though my fear is obvious
You nuzzle my face
I've left to allow your freedom
Yet you still chase
I don't have your carrot
But you have my heart
Never sure where to lead you
But I'm willing to start

Day we drowned

Today's the day that we drowned
I'm so sorry
Seems the harder I swam to you
The stronger the tide always pulled you away
Eventually I couldn't see you anymore
I had to just wave goodbye and go under

Holding one's breath

The line went dead
I sighed in relief
The trouble I found
Was beyond belief
The cards called you out
I refused to see
This won't end
The way it should be
Poisoned kisses
Hurt more everyday
The closer I get
You grow further away

Jogger

Running in pace
Gotta keep moving
As to not get stuck
Kicking in doors
Only to find empty rooms
Or people open handed
Must keep running
Just so tired
Of chasing shadows
Wait for me
I need to know
Everything that you know
I need to know
Every piece
Right now

5

I tried to securely fasten
the sheets of concrete to his feet.
Not to know if it dead ends,
but to be able to follow along.
He smiled.
He was patient.
Though his clothes were in the tub,
"It's just one day," he said.
"It's not always."
I believed him.
We settled on griptape instead.
He could still stand.
My music was still too loud.

Just a letter

I'll write you a love letter
Please don't find it dumb
Of all the fires we've ran through
And who we've become
I'll write you a love letter
So that you understand
I'm at my happiest
When we're hand and hand
I'll write you a love letter
Just hope that you know
I appreciate your devotion
And allowing me grow
I'll write you a love letter
From the first word you'll know
I've gathered my strength
And am refusing to go

Natalie's Soapbox

I know....

I know I'm fidgety

Flighty

Hard to follow

Changeable

Too much

Too little

Unpredictable

I know this though..

I know I'm fun

Creative

Hilarious

Loving

Supportive

Amazing

Unforgettable

Worth every second

I don't want to be her...

Never will be...

You can actually trust me

That's the difference

I'm trusting

You'll empty your back pocket

Tear through the screen
Escape through the back
Actresses will kill for your role
Let the catfights begin

Go

I see it
Chose to ignore
My tarot screams
Roll the dice
Accept my fate
Running forward
Arms open
Embracing this
Lock up the panic
Banish the ugly girl
Expect everything
Deny nothing
Go

Peptalk

Maybe I am
Already generalizing
Not sure
I can handle defeat
Could seriously happen
Prepare to fight
Even though I'm tired
People will talk
Punch holes in my heart
Even though I'm right
Ready to keep walking

Playground

Let them play today
They need to stretch their legs
I promise to stay tomorrow
Just let them run and babble
Let them play today
All I can hear is their giggles
Class is not developed yet
Let's just let them go
Let them play today
Sometimes I'm jealous
They are so carefree
Yet they can be careless
Let them play today
I'm always watching
Guarding your heart
Sewing mine back together

Boss

I'm always on the outside
Looking in
I have to admit
I kinda hate it
Watching
Shaking my head
This isn't right
Not a single part
About to breakout
Smash the glass
Reclaim my crown
Not sure you are ready
Not sure I care
Sitting back isn't an option
I've come too far
Gone to deep
Drowned myself
In all of what could be

Apologies

I'm sorry
I tripped into a puddle
Of yesterday's mistakes
Of yesterday's sorrows
I'm sorry
I tried to set fire
To tomorrow's bridges
To tomorrow's paths
I'm sorry
I didn't completely fix myself
I sloppily glued pieces
With tears were left exposed
With burnholes were carelessly ignored
I'm sorry
I'm what remains
Of a happy foolish girl
Of a wasted twenty years

Purposely lost

Running fast
They'll never find me
Hiding deep like Ed
In the forest of myself
They'll get tired
They'll get hungry
They'll stop looking
We all know
As the day draws to a close
Everyone's out for themselves
No reason to expect different
I can keep myself
I know myself
I know what's left
I know this heart

Cohen saw it coming

Leonard spoke of this
A deep love
Two imperfect people
One path
I ignored him
Thought he was drunk
Such love wasn't real
What fools
Unpossessive love
That actually comes back
Where was this
Why was this
A secret whispered
To only a chosen few
I never heard
I stopped listening completely
Then a voice persisted
Wrote it off as exhaustion
The voice haunted me
It began to make good arguments
Eyes open I froze
I'm not like Leonard
This can't happen
If fully exposed
There's chances of collapse
The voice whispered
Warm breath on my cheek
I sank deep
Until no stroke could help me
I resurfaced
I'm surprised too

Collective

Changed faces
More than six times today
Can't always tell
Till one must get their way
Starting to not see
Spaces between them all
Starting to blend
Now standing quite tall
You saw us as a problem
Or maybe an accident
You just can't handle
When we're confident

It is what it is

Seems like I've wasted so much time
Just waiting
Waiting for boys to grow up
Waiting to be loved correctly
Seems like I've been the only one
Just real
Wanting to move forward
Wanting to love correctly
Seems like I've woken up finally
Just really seeing
Wanting what's mine
Not wanting to apologize for it

Silently waiting

I'm okay
A little weathered
A wiseman said
This can't last forever
I've proved my worth
I've given my all
I shut my eyes
Surrendered to the fall
I stand here smiling
I'm not broken at all
Catching my breath
From the speed of the fall
I see it so clearly
It was here all the time
Just had to accept
That this really is mine

Hologram

You think she doesn't notice
Well I know damn well she sees
How obsessed you are with yourself
Clinging to your mental disease
In years she will remember
She will know I was there
You were given opportunities
Experiences you refused to share
Don't cry to me later
When she doesn't call
Don't get all weepy
She's already brushed herself off from the fall
Abandonment is a choice
Yeah your body was physically here
You didn't fight the closet monsters
Or wipe away her millions of tears

PEACE

I'd rather put my head in a woodchipper
Then ever stay with you
I hate who you've become
And what you put me through
Walking forward feels so good
As I quicken up my pace
I refuse to speak to you anymore
You're way too satisfied lying to my face

It could go either way

My toes curl over the edge
I've been staring down too long
It's time
Maybe there's a party down there
Maybe there's friends cheering
Maybe there's cake and balloons
Maybe there's nothing

I hold my breath
Shifting my weight forward,
I close my eyes
It's time
Maybe there's a giant field of sunflowers
Maybe there's birds singing sweetly
Maybe there's good wine and a picnic
Maybe there's nothing

Long walk home

Walking fast now
I can finally see
What is going
To become of me
I've thought too long
I've offered to you
At the end
Please see it through
I've walked alone
Many times before
I enjoy your company
More than before
Hate to admit it
Hate sounding like a girl
It is never my intention
To destroy your world

action cat can't

Must get better at listening
To the spaces in between
Maybe it'll save the heartache
When you are not as you seem
Must have drowned my doubts
In the thousand different cups
Never fixing, always blaming
For all of my screw ups
If we are real for a minute
Please just hear me say
Everyday I walk this path
I'm fading further away

bedtime story

I wipe my tears as I close the book of us.  In reality, I always knew that I'd have to bring it back sooner or later. It was never mine, stolen from the cart of books on reserve for others.  I must looked through it thousands of times in the past few weeks, trembling and tortured. Never have I felt that the author understood me so well and was guiding me along so patiently. Just couldn't help myself and tore off the corner of the best page as a momento, I can't leave empty handed. Despite it's bent and dented cover, it will always be my favorite story.