Illusion

Playing peek-a-boo,
I see you
but won't admit
you matter.
Why?
Would it make a difference?
I see it
yet I can't admit.
I feel it
yet I can't vocalize.
I need it
yet I'm not ready.

written plea

I write this down
to get you out.
My mind is too small
for you to bombard.
Obsessive, maybe
but I try to be more.
I write this down
to change myself.

Runaway train

I spin in countless circles,
never sure why.
Cohen speaks more kindly
of past lovers than I do.
He's reached by simple things.
They never understood.
No one made love to my mind.
No one leashed my attention.
Passing trains
are too commonday anymore.
Block my tracks with your body,
maybe I'll slow down.

My Sweet Library

I'm returning the book that you lent me. I'm not sure that we subscribe to the same ideas. I'm returning the attention and the compliments. They are almost brand new, I never took them out of the wrapper. Also I threw in the miscellaneous memories of confusion and disappointment, man they barely fit in the box! They are all in ziplocks based on incident, I know how you like controlled chaos. I know all of this is way overdue, I will pay whatever charges I owe you today.

it's a bit typical

I spent 20 minutes
trying to be perfect,
only to realize
I was no better than you.
Watching through the window
I saw you as the wolf
not the sheep you claimed.
I see a lot of myself
in the masks that you wear.
This disgusts me,
yet I return.

Mainly because

Pretend I told you a story that was actually interesting. Like something that pulled you in, and amazed you in a way that no one else ever has. I had your undivided attention for ten full minutes. During this time you begin to wonder what must go on in a crazy brain like mine. Who I am I? What do I want? Is this really me or a hardened shell of the girl that I used to be prior to the storms and fires? You go on with your business after my story. We never speak again and this is fine. I'm comfortable with this because I know that for ten minutes I was the only thing that you could think about.

Twin

She clings to my leg,
pleading and pitiful.
The harder I kick,
the deeper her nails dig.
I've been waiting to unload
the burden of myself.
No takers?
Figures.
I drag her through mud,
across pavement,
through nights of torment.
Bloody and bruised,
she begs I never leave her.

Last Bullet

Purple sunset
The zombies did walk
I remembered
holding you close to me
Last whispers
false promises
Complete the sentence
of myself
of my skin
of my need
of my life
You didn't
Not that you wouldn't try
I remembered
Trust me
The walk back alone
was the emptiest ever

Unlaced

Modron,
I come to ask a favor.
May times I have asked,
and my hands were left empty.
But this time,
for once,
reward my efforts.
My roses are dead
and my hands are empty.
Pull my strings gently
and offer the way.
When will I see Modron,
the path that's smoothly paved?
When will I begin Modron,
to wander without fear?
I ask you now,
and I'll only ask once,
when will you help me
like you help silent others?

forest

Twisted trunk.
unmoved by the winds.
Standing tall,
I remember these storms.
My broken branches
will always regrow.

seldom grips

Daily I climb.
My grips are seldom,
yet I find them.
Higher I climb,
not knowing what's at the top.
My feet slip.
Must regain my composure.
Chalked hands mock me,
but still I climb.
I saw you above me,
yet still I climb.
Remaining strength
is so much more than before.

I opened a window,
expecting you there.
I watched the waves roll by,
hypnotized and lazy.
Can't seem to believe in this cause
and I think you can see this.
So many beaches to explore
in my coconut quest!
Your bag is always empty
yet I still wholeheartedly believe,
for some reason
that someday I'll be wrong.
Prove it.
Show me.
I've been gazing out more often
and I'm noticing more inconsistencies.
I see the full palm trees from here,
I know you saw them too.

blindfold

Happiness,
as permanent as you,
I've seen this the entire time.
I walked blindly
with you yelling to me.
You led me the wrong way.
I don't blame my falls and bruises
on your bad direction.
Looking forward,
the fog suddenly cleared.
What was around me remained.
That's fine,
it always was.
I just need to open my eyes.

Smart Cow

She followed them all
until the cliff
As their bodies fell flailing
she reconsidered
Turning away
she had awoken
Running faster
the wind guided her path
Shaking it off
she remembered herself

empty audience seats

I'm seeing so much now
That damn blindfold
Tattered like me
Why did I come here again?
Remind me as you escort me out
Hot-tempered
Sound minded
So what
Good for you
You can one up me
For what?
Does anyone even watch?
So sadly I know
all of this was for your amusement

Dead Watch

She wears the masks
of a thousand lives
Hourglass sand empty
there's no one running along side
She waits for sighs
halfheartedly believing
Visions only confuse
too much is real
Not enough fantasy
Deep sighs
never quite fill the space
Dead watch in a box
just waiting to be worn

Blocked reflection

I only sleep here,
a window of a person.
By day I'm the transparent friend,
by night the ref on the sidelines.
I only have minimal soul left,
am I a stepback ghost
or a memory of what once was?
By night I'm the person buying time to waste.

silent ramble

Too many random thoughts
wants, emotions, neuroses
Too little time for it all
Give and receive?
How's that work?

Anchor

I slowly walk the edge of the ocean.
In the past I was frantic,
trying to collect my things before they float away.
Let them go.
I see that these things that I cling to
keep me stuck here.
I will float away
and maybe that'll be fine.
Even if it isn't I'll know
for once I am no longer sinking.
I watch you and I often wonder.
Are you choosing to sink?
The anchor is not tight,
you can just wiggle out.
Do you dare?
It doesn't matter anymore.
Save yourself,
no one else ever will.
This I know as fact.

dirty window

Watching out the window
I see the black and white dance of life.
While staring at my hand in vivid color,
I wonder why I'm different.
People trip over nothing next to me
while others die with a smile.
So strange this life is.
I spent a majority of my life
trying to change others.
I can't.
I know this now.
I will change myself and evolve.

7 steps to walk away

I watch your eyeballs bounce.
Do I scare you?
I should.
You have made me a cannon.
When I go off it won't be good.
You know this,
yet you push.
Changing direction now,
you were never worth the ammo.
I cement this cannon shut.
No longer will I aim to destroy.
I planted a garden in your name.
Not because you are worth it,
but because I am aiming high now.
I am better without knowing it.
I never had to tell you
because you knew this all along.
Hate yourself instead.
I never stepped in your way
as you did with me.
Remember that.

Ripped postcard

I follow all the right tunnels,
none ever have what I am looking for at the end.
He whispers to me ,
yet the redundancy makes my mind drift.
Oh look how shiny!
The sparkle fades and I mourn.
With a life this crazy you'd think I'd have stories,
but I don't.
You track my moves like an animal,
waiting for my failures.
I googled myself yesterday.
Odd. abrasive. Intrusive.
But that's what you wanted!
Did I?
Will you remember me tomorrow
if I were to cure a disease?
No, but you'd remember only failures
and when I fell on my face.
But this is okay with me.
Acceptance is half the battle.
Why try to change,
when the end is always so clear?
Mark this words,
I chose this.
Kick it around for awhile
until it means something to you.
Because obviously I don't,
nor do you to me.

Got a big mouth,
doesn't mean I have to use it.
I would be a copy
of you and your games.
My thoughts have changed,
and changed many others also.
I evolve because I choose to
not cause I have to.
The time is here now.
So tired of looking back
I feel I need to run.
Do I need direction?
Not anymore.
The wind will steer my sails,
and this is fine.
I won't stay here floating
only to drown with you later.

Salted Promises

I sailed twice around you before you even noticed that I was there. I braved many waves, all of them threatening to take my life. Soaked and tired, I looked up awaiting your approval. Nothing.
The sun rose a different color today. I charted a different course, hoping for a new beginning. I still saw some threatening seas, but I reminded myself that they were nothing that I hadn't conquered before. This was nice. I finally was validated, by myself.

I read in the paper that you drowned. You were so desperately trying to fix your hair and your makeup as the waves hit you in the face. You yelled to your crew how wrong they were, and if they had listened to you that this mess wouldn't have happened. Hate to tell you, but you can't stop the inevitable. You placed blame till your last breath, it's funny really. I won't go to your funeral, as I wouldn't grovel at your feet. You have nothing I want or need, nor did you ever. Your weaknesses you wore like a tattered suit jacket. Why did you choose to be so gaudy and inappropriate? Wrong place, wrong time.

No longer will you place your cancerous thoughts in my mind.

Newness

I hated you,
so I changed myself.
I hated what I saw around me,
so I looked harder at myself.
What I saw amazed me.
I saw repetition.
I saw selfishness.
I saw doubt.
I saw exhaustion.
So I ran the opposite way.
I changed everything.
Nothing repeated.
I gave till there was nothing.
Shoulders back I ran without direction.
Still tired, I am fulfilled.
Judge me if you need to,
if you can sleep that way.
Don't ask me to lie for you anymore.
My patterns are permanently broken.

Eyes Open

Pushing forward
No I'm not going away
Waited for too long
Come too far
Tried too hard
Your opinion is obsolete
So laugh and point
I don't care
You don't hold me back
I do
Not anymore
I have been scared
to grow up
to make up
to give in
to surrender
to try
to waste away
But I've stayed frozen
which is just as bad
I won't
freeze here
take your crap
feel less than you
feel hopeless
Because I see
what you tried to block
I'm pushin past
I see it now
I believe it
I will be it
You just watch

scissors

You cut me out,
but now I've got my glue.
Time to reappear
and make the picture complete.
Too many holes in the story
and there's too many pages left unturned.
I am grabbing the pencil now.
My light sketch will be retraced.
My lines will be bold and bright.
You will see me.
You'll have no choice.

The grey came in
and I was lost in the fog.
The last time you wrote
I just can't recall.
I realized what happened
and how your soul died.
I understand completely,
I just watched and I sighed.
I dodged that bullet,
I am thankful for that.
I just got hotter,
and you just got fat.
I can laugh at it all.
You are what you hate.
You sold it all
for a life that's half rate.
That's cool if you tried
and it's cool if you failed,
just leave me out
when you list the details.
Save the sad stories,
and how I didn't care enough.
Save the fakeness concern,
now that you're tough.
I burnt this bridge
and ran for my life yelling.
You entered the darkness,
craving what it was selling.

Ranting to a No one

I am no longer what you think I am. I am not controlled, bullied, impressed or moved. I am not one of you, nor was I ever. I don't ask to be liked by you or anyone for that matter, because you really don't matter. For too long I have placed emphasis on people who are ridiculously overrated. I have to laugh or I'll cry.

You won't waste my time any longer. Not another second will be occupied caring what I am perceived to be. What you think is not even close to what I am or what I will be. You'll see.

I've changed. I'm glad.

You haven't. That should make me sad, but it doesn't. You are you, and I am me. I am learning to accept that and not care anymore