Really? Validated by a number? Is that all it takes to make you feel worthy? Quite possibly. In my quest for acceptance I forgot to get it from the most important person in my life, me! Note to self, learn to be happy. Learn to do what you say you will. Learn to forgive. Learn to let go finally.

Murky

When I try to talk to you my head grows murky. I don't want it to, but it does. This is why I stay away lately. I try to remember the good times, but the black seeps in. It makes my mind itch way too much anymore. To be better than you I have to get better. We'll see. If we talk don't hold this against me. Years can't be erased in a minute's time.

Whirling

Twisting top,
keep me in the loop.
Can't remember when this started.
Not sure when this will end.
The lights flash at me,
but I keep going.
Not sure why I repeat this
again and again.
My design was gorgeous,
you really shoulda seen it!
The plans were perfect
yet somehow it all went away.
The dream reminds me,
if I could only get there once more.
The cracked glass doll cries because
she is too pained to remember.

Ownership is new to me

I had to let you verbally punch me
to see the damage I had caused.
Indirectly, mistakenly
I had inflicted such harm!
I didn't know.
I can't help it.
I know better,
but so do you.
We brought the battle home
when this used to a safezone.
I've lived this before,
but it wasn't this at all.
You're not him,
for this I am glad.
You couldn't be him.
But am I the same?
Am I worse?
I no longer blame
all these others.
I created what I have become.
I became one of those girls,
the ones that I don't respect.
I became her.
It won't happen.
It can't.
I have help now.
I'm scratchin down my walls
in hope of seeing the light.
My hell isn't yours.
It shouldn't have to be.
It won't be.

a million miles

I walked in here alone, but comfortable. I watched as the crowd grew and the juggler emerged to tried and entertain them. When the act got boring, he grew louder with his singing until we couldn't even hear ourselves think anymore. I stepped into a dark corner because the air was so thick. I felt as if I might suffocate. This has been happening way too much lately. When I regrouped I went back into the madness. It was like a movie. I sat back and watched the pretenders, the romantics, and the pleasers. Often I wonder what my role in all this is. I believe it changes way too much from day to day. The poet, the caretaker, the disbeliever, the hipster, the childlike, the quiet one, the center of attention....... I could be any one of them. Roll the dice. But I had never really thought about what role I choose to play. I can do that? I can choose? What a wonderful idea! The next million miles traveled will be in search of the complete me, and I am very comfortable with that.

Midnight

Waiting to run away, the day just seems to keep getting longer and longer. I count hours as if they were pennies, never ending up with what I hope for. I have waited so long for you to come here. Planning. Wishing. Preparing myself. It never is what I expect, but you never were. Thank goodness this time it was so much more. You are more than I could've imagined, and I am so very thankful.

Groundbreaking

I never let anyone in anymore, but I took a chance. I let you see my world for all that it was, in all it's complexity. I let you see the damage from the storm and the reconstruction efforts. And for what? To be let down yet again by your landslides and inconsistancy. So what now? Let me break it down for you. You are cut off darling. Cut off from any of my reconstruction efforts. Cut off from mapping out any future blueprints. You won't be invited to the ribbon cutting ceremony, nor will there be a wreath on the wall in your honor. For you there is a spot in the back of the crowd where maybe, just maybe if you sit on your friend's shoulders you may be able to catch a glimpse of me as I give my official opening speech. That's if you can even hear it.

My fav things

Thinkin lines on Henry
Girls with no drama
Rockband 2's gameplay
Lunches with Momma
My sexy chocolate man
Gritty fast punk rock
Anything sparkly and pink
Sprite kept in stock
Writing for me
When one person likes it
Reading some manga
My friends who won't quit
Kids that are funny
Cats that don't scratch
Time in bed sleeping
A good UFC match

Once upon a time I expected you to be what you say you were. When you weren't, I made excuses and tried to still hold you way up. If ignorance is bliss, you had me in heaven. That was until the snap. The bolt of lightening entered though the window and reminded me of why I had ran from all of those storms. I remembered nearly drowning only to claw my way back up the bank in the nick of time. I should've been angry. I should've felt betrayed and withdrawn.....but I didn't. I was so relieved to have my liferaft this time around. Once upon a time I saved myself no thanks to you.

Closing curtain

Ten steps backward
to realize which way to go
Running faster away
from a scene all too familiar
You really do believe
the lines that you sling
Character profile
such an ugly painting
Hiding leaves you open
to all of these multiple arrows
I refuse to block you
from what you invite